When I read that, my screen was positioned so that I did not see the last line.
So it just ended āwasnāt invented by a drunkā
And I think itās funnier that way
I wonder how many people understand the can-opener getting cats excited; are there any foods that arenāt in a pull-tab can anymore?
Yes, if you shop at bargain food stores, you will find lots of cans without pull tabs, often with larger volume compared to pull tabs cans, and lower price per ounce. (They also sell can openers at many of these stores 
)
Got a good laugh from this one. He knows better than to even try.
I was still drinking back then. I have NO IDEA how I wasnāt at this one (other than being a few states away). Cheapskate owners only went with 10 ounce glasses thoughā¦
I can attest to those things being heavy and blunt. Back about 60 years ago now (da@# Iām old) I actually set pins in a bowling alley. Hard job but the money was actually pretty good at the time.
We would set pins for two adjacent lanes. Bowler #1 sent the pins flying and we jumped in the pit, sent the ball back and put the pins in the rack (where they would NOT come down on any remaining pins.)
We had one expert who was a monster. Big, heavy, and his idea of āfinesseā was to launch the ball as hard as he could and as fast as possible at the pins.
I had the unfortunate situation of one of his pins hitting the back of the rack (good thing) and ricocheting into my face. I hopped in the pit, sent the ball back, racked the pins and then headed to the bathroom with a trail of blood.
Broke ONLY one tooth off right at the gum line. Ended up with an old school partial partial ā silver plate with a tooth glued to the pin. I wore it for a few years and eventually lost the tooth, stopped wearing it and decided to just live with a gap.
Not nearly as famous or rich (or good looking if thatās your thing) as this gapperā¦
I figure if it had hit me first instead of the rack I would have died on the spot.
Yep, always best when youāre able to hide the body by yourself. 
Ordering a Pizza in 2024
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, itās Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! Thatās what Iāll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I donāt want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at CVS Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesnāt show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesnāt show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE HECK?
GOOGLE: Iām sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! Iām sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. Iām going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks agoā¦
- Nick Varrecchi
Just for the sake of accuracy, the pizza recommendation should also include 2 paperclips and a Tidepod, cause AI is broken.
Iām thinking it wouldnāt be too hard to re-write this piece using AMAZON in place of GOOGLE.
Ordering a Pizza in 2024
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
AMAZON: No sir, itās AMAZON Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
AMAZON: No sir, AMAZON bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
AMAZON: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
AMAZON: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! Thatās what Iāll have.
AMAZON: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I donāt want a vegetarian pizza!
AMAZON: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know that?
AMAZON: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
AMAZON: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at CVS Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
AMAZON: That doesnāt show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
AMAZON: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
AMAZON: That doesnāt show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE HECK?
AMAZON: Iām sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! Iām sick of AMAZON, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. Iām going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
AMAZON: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks agoā¦
- Nick Varrecchi
How to swap GOOGLE out to AMAZON
@SallyAnne ā¦ copied into Notepad ā¦ then used the Replace function of find GOOGLE replace AMAZON ā¦ Replace All (same as doing it in excel) ā¦ took about 15 seconds